Gen 1.7 Decisions

Lupe cooked apple pancakes on autopilot. Then chatted about nothing with Juniper as they ate. What was she going to do? After Juniper left for school, Lupe called in to work and told them she was sick. Since she was a contract/commission worker that just meant that her phone wouldn't be going off all day. Then she did all the chores she always did mulling it over. She could keep the baby. But what about Juniper? How would she feel? The baby would never replace her, but she needed stability. What about DCFS? Would they take Juniper away because Lupe was pregnant? What about Shane? How would he react? He already had one unplanned child, could he possibly deal with another?

What if she aborted? Lupe clutched at her middle, the voices of her antepasados echoing in her ears. Her abuela had said that her bisabuela had had an abortion when she got pregnant while her husband was away and had always mourned the child that never was. In her honor, abuela laid a single marigold on a flat stone under the bouganvillia on Dia de los Muertos. Bisabuela had said Hail Marys and Our Fathers for weeks to atone and believed herself damned. It was still better than what Bisabuelo would've done had he come home from a year away to find his wife heavy with child.

When Abuela's mind was going, she had grabbed Lupe's hand tightly calling her by her mother's name and pleaded with her to keep the baby. That she would raise it as her own. That no one had to know. “¡Mija, por favor!” Abuela wouldn't let go until Lupe had promised that she wouldn't abort her baby and would raise her as her own.

Lupe knew what the church would say and she didn't care. If she decided to keep this baby it was her decision alone, she wasn't even sure she had a soul. Could she get rid of a child she had conceived out of love? Could she raise a baby by herself? She texted her friends Leah and Maru. She needed some perspective.

Lupe and Maru had become fast friends while she was still seeing Sam. Maru was Sam's friend Sebastian's little sister. Neither of them had much time for Maru which made gatherings between their families awkward for her. Maru was smack dab in the middle between Sebastian and Sam's ages and their little siblings; too young and nerdy to hang out with her big brother and too mature to join in with Vincent and Delia. When Lupe had shown up at a barbecue, Maru had impressed her with her intellect and analytical nature. Maru was a registered nurse and had married a much older doctor who was able to look past the cool exterior and see the passionate woman underneath.

The text Lupe sent them was brief to the point of alarming them, “Could you come over? I need to talk to someone.” They came running over. Lupe had taken three more tests by this time and set them in a neat line across the coffee table. When her friends came over their concerned eyes took in the state of the house (clean, row of positive pregnancy tests on the table) and Lupe (distraught, wearing sweats) and sat down on either side of her. Maru began with, “So I think you've proven you're pregnant and can stop repeating the experiment, unless you'd like one of us to take a test as a control?”

Leah sallied forth with, “Have you told Shane yet?”

“No!” wailed Lupe beginning to cry. Leah rubbed her back and Maru just leaned forward and rested her hand on Lupe's knee. “Have you decided what you're going to do?” asked Maru. Lupe just shook her head. “Do you want me to talk you through what termination would be like? You don't have to have this baby. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.”

“I don't know if I could do it” said Lupe wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. “I mean, we're not in love and we're not even exclusive. I mean, I'm not seeing anyone else and neither is he, but we...” She faltered looking for the right words to describe the relationship she had with the man she spent every night with, who knew more about her than anyone else in Meadow Glen, who she knew so little of. Shane tended to ask Lupe about herself and get her chatting about whatever she was researching or had worked on and gave out snippets of information about himself. She knew about his childhood on the farm with Marnie, his opinions, his love of sports, the trials of raising a girl like Jas who was so different from anyone else he'd ever known and so different from her mom. Suddenly, Lupe realized she had no idea what he did every day or who his friends were. What had seemed charmed and special, suddenly seemed sordid. “Tell me about terminating.”

“First, we'd need to take a blood sample to work out the approximate dates and confirm pregnancy. Then, depending on where you are there's a couple of options. The surgical abortion is the same procedure as a D&C, the doctor will swab your cervix with a hormone that will cause you to dialate and then they will insert a curette inside your uterus to scrap out the uterine lining and the fetus. The patient is generally awake and you are generally in and out in about an hour. If it's still early enough for a medical abortion, then you'll be given a set of two pills, mifepristone and misoprostol, to take. First, you'll take the mifepristone pill which will stop your body's production for progesterone and stops the pregnancy from continuing to grow. Then you take the misoprostol pill within the next forty-eight hours to induce bleeding and cramping to empty your uterus. They are both safe and effective ways to end a pregnancy. On a personal note, you don't have to tell him. I can work you into the schedule for tomorrow or the next day and no one will ever need to know.”

“What if I decide to keep it? What will people think? What will happen to Juniper?”

Leah answered, “Then you will have a baby to raise. People will think you've had a baby. Those that know you won't care that you aren't married and weren't serious with the father. What about Juniper? I thought you said the social worker sings your praises throughout the land; they're not exactly going to hand her back to that harpy.”

Maru interjected, “Are you worried about that the Department of Children and Family Services would remove her? Lupe, let's set your mind at ease right now and look that up. You can't be the first fostermom to get pregnant while fostering and they wouldn't remove her from your care when she's thriving. That would be majorly shooting themselves in the foot. Besides, by now she's your kid. Last time she and Augustin were playing house I heard her calling him 'querido' and asking him to pick up more maza at the store. For some ditchwater blonde girl, she's awfully Mexican.”

That successfully got a laugh out of Lupe as Maru intended. “I think I'm going to keep it. I did always want my own babies, but what should I tell Shane?”

“How about, 'Oh great and virile male, you have successfully impregnated me! All hail the phallus!'” suggested Leah.

Maru gave her a look, “How about, not that?”

“What? That's how I told Elliot about Joe!” Leah exclaimed.

“Seems a little, glib is all” said Maru

“You could take him out to karaoke and sing 'Papa Don't Preach' and dedicate it to him.” suggested Leah.

“Yeah, don't do that. Is he coming over tonight? Instead of taking him into the bedroom, sit him down here and tell him. Use your big girl words and say, 'Shane, I'm pregnant.'” suggested Maru.

“Softening it doesn't help” said Leah, “I've been where you are now and it sucks, just tell him as soon as you can.” she paused and took a breath, “Is there something you're not telling us Lupe? Are you scared to tell him for your safety? You don't ever need to tell him. This can just be our secret. If he ever finds out about the baby, you can just tell him that you don't know who the father is or that it's somebody else's.”

“Shane would never hurt me, but Jas was also unplanned. He'd have a teenager and a baby.”

“Honey, he knew there was a risk when he got into bed with you and you both agreed to coitus. Unless you were content to practice cunnilingus or fellatio from now to the end of time, pregnancy was always a risk. You were sensible and you used condoms during your most fertile zones, but the rhythm method is only about 80% effective. That also means 20% ineffective. He agreed to those risks when he agreed to those terms. He could've said that 20% wasn't a risk he was willing to live with and insisted on a condom which lowers the risk to only 2% This isn't all your fault, Lupe, it takes two to tango.” said Maru, practically.

After hashing it out some more, Leah and Maru took their leave after exchanging hugs with each other and Lupe. Lupe went about the afternoon and evening on autopilot and had a bubble bath after getting Juniper to sleep.

She had every intention of sitting Shane down in the living room and telling him that night, but she got swept up when he showed up. He came up the driveway at a trot, whistling and when she opened the door, to let him in he swept her up into his arms, kicked the door closed and carried her off to her room. In between kisses, Lupe managed to convey, “Mmm. Shane, I need to tell you something...” His hands were fiddling with the clasp of her bra. Lupe put her hands flat on his chest and pushed him back.

“Shane! I'm pregnant.” Shane took a step back, processing this.

“Are you sure? How far along?” He didn't sound angry, but Lupe still felt defiant.

“Yes, I took four tests today. They were all positive. I don't know, not more than eight weeks. Last month was really light, remember? I am going to keep it.” Lupe paused, gauging his reaction. She didn't love him, but she thought she might in time, “I know we're not serious, but I've thought long and hard about this and I couldn't bear to get rid of it. I know you don't love me...”

“Who says I don't love you?” Shane said, affronted.

“You never said you did! We never even talked about whether we were exclusive or not!” Lupe said, heatedly.

“Lupe, I love you and I can't wait to meet this baby! You know that there's no one else, right? There's just you and that's the way I like it. I hope the baby gets your eyes and my athletic prowess!” Shane said laughingly, with his hands on her shoulders.

That was all the talking that they did that night. Lupe didn't even stir when he let himself out at dawn or when Juniper left for school.

She really ought to fix the doorbell, was Lupe's first thought on waking that morning. She blearily headed to the front door to see two men in shabby suits waiting outside. “Guadalupe Estes?” Lupe nodded. “Detective Polaski and Detective Schicchi from Meadow Glen PD, we'd like to ask you a few questions.”